A Wonderful, Horrible Day

Valentine's Day

The first part of my Tuesday work routine is morning bus duty - I watch the students coming off the buses and make sure they're all safe, etc.  The first child who stepped off the first bus ran up to me with a rather large box of Valentine's Day chocolates.  When I got back to my art room, I looked up how many PointsPlus Values (yeah, I'm on Weight Watchers) each serving was (6 for four chocolates).  So I ate one.  Then three more to make it a whole serving.  Then the rest of the box, for six servings in all...

Later, as each grade level had their Valentine's Day parties, students of every grade level were constantly flooding into my room to hand me mountains of individual candies, which I piled up on my desk with the intention of re-gifting them later.  That didn't happen.  In the car from my main school to the school I do after-school tutoring at, that mountain of candy sat in the seat beside me, shrinking the whole time.  When I got to my other school, there were boxes of cupcakes spread out for the extended-day workers...

The rest of the evening was more of the same: gluttony...

The Vision

After this wonderful day, which happened to include some horrible gluttony on my part, I slept.  In my dreams, I was having problems with my boss (the principal) telling me not to be late to my tutoring at the other school.  I didn't understand why he would say this, because I have a pretty strong track-record for making it on time.  But I stopped along the way to change clothes for some unknown reason.

When I arrived at my second school, I immediately noticed some changes - the biggest of which being that it was a church instead of a school.  All my usual children were doing their usual thing, but as soon as I showed up they all started to put their homework away and walk into the sanctuary.  I was about to follow them, but a strange man stopped me and asked why I was late for prayer time.  He said they had been waiting for me for a whole day.  I didn't understand why they would have been waiting for me, but as I was ushered into the sanctuary the students began forcing me to kneel on the prayer bench.

The Prayer

I awoke, startled by the forcefulness with which I was being handled in my dream, and realized that this was nothing compared to my own conviction.  I struggle with my weight, not because I don't like the way I look or the way people look at me, but because I know that I have a problem.  I am addicted to food in the same way that a heroin junkie is addicted to drugs.  When I don't keep myself in check, I continue to consume more and more until I make myself so sick I can't take any more, and then I still try to get more!

This is why I have focused so strongly on getting my weight in check this year.  I know that my body is not my own, and that God has plans for me which I am unable to achieve because I have not taken care of myself the way He wants me to.  So, I woke and prayed:

Lord, here is Your servant begging You to take me back.  Forgive me for yesterday's binge, and lead me away from such temptations today.  Do not let me fall back into this cycle of death and destruction, but instead lift me up by Your grace.  I come before You in prayer and fasting and call for You to rid me of this demon of hunger inside of me.  Thank You for Your promise of Salvation.  Thank You for taking me back into Your arms.  Thank You for helping me to get back on the straight and narrow path when I fall off so often...  Amen.